Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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