I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
