Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
