When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
