Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
