Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
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The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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