Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
