Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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