my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
