I need to stop coming to work sober
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
