My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
