I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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