she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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