I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.