in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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