Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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