Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
