My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
