we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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