My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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