he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
