Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
