If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
