You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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