To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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