stop calling my apartment porn island.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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