Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
