I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
