I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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