I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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