i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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