Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
