margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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