i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
