my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
