i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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