im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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