i wish peter jackson would direct porn
only you would photoshop your dick
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
