she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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