If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
