Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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