you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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