All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
