i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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