I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
