okay pat passed out under dana's car
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dating After Heartbreak
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.