There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
