getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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