You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
