Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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