He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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