I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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