My sheets look like a crime scene.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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