he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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