I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
