He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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